We all probably recognise situations in our lives where we feel victimised. By ourselves (making the wrong choices), by others (your boss claiming your succes) or by circumstances (a car accident for example). Bad things happen in life. That’s the reality and there is not so much we can do about it, is there? The only choice we have is the choice how to deal with these setbacks. Do we get stuck in it? Or do we move further?
When you come to think of it, how many times can you think of where you got stuck in bad luck? What got you out of that feeling? Any idea? Why is it sometimes easier to get over the situation, not even giving it a second thought…. While in other cases you can get stuck in bad luck and that heavy energy for ever? How much do you need to create a victim mentality? And how does it serve you? How easy are you infected by that victim mentality of other people? Or can you stand the drama and move on?
Many years ago I was involved in a car accident. I was hospitalised for a while and it took some time to get back on my feet. Since I was a ‘tough’ girl, I didn’t even want to consider the fact that I was a victim of that car accident. I didn’t want to feel the pain, or even accept my body was no longer that strong vessel as it was before the accident. I spent years fighting the fact that my life had changed… and I wasn’t prepared to change with it. I couldn’t accept the fact my body wasn’t as strong as it was. That I was easily tired, couldn’t walk that fast… couldn’t play sports as well as I did before. Wasn’t able to sit in a car for longer then an hour without feeling depleted of energy. For the outside world I thought everyone saw me as the same strong woman as I was before. Complaining wasn’t in my dictionary. I was not willing to give in to any pain… even though for the outside world it was so obvious.
How many of you can relate to this story? Do you have a similar experience? Maybe not yourself, but do you recognise someone in your environment who could fit in this story? It’s not so unique. When you start talking about it with others, you’ll soon find out everyone has one or more examples… the second one even worse then the first!
Ever considered that by ignoring what is (i.e. in my case: the pain and restrictions) , by not talking about your feelings/ situation….you are just as much a victim as other people talking about their sorrow? Maybe even complaining about it? Did the thought ever crossed your mind that by denying you are a victim…. You might be victimising yourself and others? By doing that, you were creating your own victim mentality? Maybe even using it as a standard?
That insight really hit me right in the face! I was ‘allergic’ for people complaining about their life, their misfortune, their health issues. I was raised in a way that you just ‘deal’ with those things and don’t talk too much about it. And I don’t think I am the only one raised that way. Although … there are also so many people around (so it seems) who grap each and every opportunity to tell you how bad they are hit by ….. anything!? How tough life is on them…. They love the attention they get out of it. Don’t try to make them see things from a different point of view. It won’t work. They just tell you their sad story again and again and …. agian… and never give it a second thought that you might not be so interested in their sad story as they are!
It took some coaching and training before I realised, deep down inside, I did feel victimised in that car accident! I longued to be open about it, about my fears, my pain. By not communicating about what was happening with me, I more or less made myself, and my close friends, hostage of the situation. A great insight for me: although I never choose for that accident to happen (consiously), I also never choosed consiously how to deal with the effects it had on me. And by that… I created a victim mentality by which my energy was even more depleted. I believe that accident was a sign of fate! Where I was in life at that time would not bring to me any fulfilment. I was goal oriented and not so open to other people. I was in the game to win! And no one in my team was allowed to fail. Was I interested in other people? Really interested? No. Was I a nice person?…. I don’t believe so. Fate!?? Hmm….
That car accident started a journey of self development. I learnt about the power of the victim for example, one of the 4 major energies that hold the base of our lifes.
The victim energy has everything to do with self esteem and self-value. It’s the energy that makes you aware of your inner power, your strength, your resilience. I learnt about respect and courage and integrity. About self confidence and setting boundaries… and be happy with it. I also learned about the shadow side of the victim energy. You’ll recognise it when you see it: the cry for attention, for not taking responsibility for you life. People who get stuck here are so easy to spot: They are the ones who, no matter what you do or say to bring them an alternative…. will always say “No I can’t do that because…..” or ‘Yes… you are right, but.….” For the helpers in the world… you know what I am talking about don’t you? They drive you crazy!
The moment I realy understood this victim energy (thanks to Caroline Myss) it changed my perception of ‘me’. When I feel that victim energy again I now ask myself 4 questions:
- Is this way of acting helping me?
- What is really the issue here? The underlying issue?
- Am I willing to take responsibility for the situation I am in now? Am I willing to let go?
- How can I communicate about what I really want?
I now know, after years of practise that the shadow energy is there to show me something. There is something underneath it that has value to me, that wants to come out! The big question is: can I open my eyes and see it?
I truely believe there is always more to discover about myself. And by doing that I am more and more empowering myself in showing my volnerability. “From fate (stay stuck in the situation) to destiny “ (working a way round the situation to grow and learn).
How does this work for your life? When do you cherish the victim in you… and when do you breakthrough it? What holds you back? What motivates you to unreveal what is there to discover abour yourself?
Heleen,
I admire you for being so open and honnest about yourself.
By doing that you make people aware that they are victums sometimes or longer.
That’s the most important thing. Being aware that you’re in that identity.
Than you can choose. Te be it totally, accept all the help there is.
And later when you’re stronger you can choose to take back you’re life again.
I was for a very long time victum, I did’nt know it.
The moment I knew I could change my life.
I’am still gratefull for my teachers and my life.
Thank you for sharing .